We had made it. Ankit, Pranav and I were three of the seven who had officially cracked the SSB. The interview started with the initial screening process on August 25th, 2003. By 29th, we had been shortlisted.
Next up was the medical check up which was scheduled for Monday, September 1st. So we pretty much had the entire weekend to chill out and also pass our expert knowledge to the new batch of people that came in.
From what I gathered, the SSB has four centres. They have different entry levels. The one I took up was called 17 SSB. For graduates, there was a 21/22 SSB. At the time we were shortlisted for medicals, there were a few 21 SSB folks who were done with around five days of medical checks. Their advice to us was to kiss the jawan’s (the one who would be escorting us for the medicals) butt so that he would feel flattered and hence help us finish out medicals ASAP. We were supposed to be clean shaven and dressed in formals.
Cut to Monday morning, crack of dawn. We were all waiting as a military truck pulled up to where we were standing. All of us got in. A scrawny looking Jawan with a crew cut got in and said “Jis kisi ne bhi aaj subaha shave nahin ki, emaandari say batao” (whoever did not shave this morning, own up earnestly). Well, I had shaved the previous night but I wasn’t dumb enough to confess that. It wasn’t like I looked like Hagrid or somehting. So I decided to stay put. A few others weren’t so lucky. The Jawan did what he did the best: yell about how we kids had shown absolute apathy to prescribed directions.
Well after all that hullabaloo, the jawan kicked those fellows out and assigned them a new mission. Get their faces to the nearest sink, arm themselved with a razor, shave and reach the Air Force Command Hospital in 20 minutes. The rest of us, during the ride were told that there would not be any pick up for us at the hospital for the return, the fend for yourselves funda…
This was the most boring day that we had had so far as a part of the SSB. It was equivalent to spending the entire day in some dilapilated, bureaucracy ridden government office trying to get some trivial paperwork done. We would be taken to one wing of the hospital like X Ray and would be told to wait. The jawan would then go frolicking around the entire hospital talking and catching up with people there and then eventually disappear. We would be left pretty much to the mercy of the moment when it dawns in his head that he had a purpose here other than meeting old buddies. This happened in every wing. The X rays, the ENT checkup, the Eye checkup…
Finally somehow when we figured that we were done for that day, this guy had again disappeared! We waited for many hours but still no sign. By this time Ankit has lost his cool. He went inside an Army office and demanded that he be allowed to call the SSB centre. We were all pissed with that jawan but we weren’t nuts. Apparently this guy was! He called up and asked them to send a pick up van for us!
We waited for another long hour by the end of which we decided that we had had enough. Four of us decided to walk, the rest took a rickshaw. After about an hour’s walk we reached Manipal Centre, bang infront of which is the SSB. Just when we turned to go to Cubbon Road, I caught an oh-holy-crap sight.
There was an empty military van that was heading for the hospital.
The oh-holy-crap was because my until that moment much dormant sixth sense was now as active as a missle radar that was beeping away to insanity. I knew we would pay for that insolent call.
It so turns out that we did! The moment i walked into the centre, the guard at the gate said that a visitor had been waiting for me. It turned out to be an uncle of mine, who had come to deliver some news to me. Even before he could say hello, I was whisked away by the illusive jawan, who then made my run and summon everyone from the barracks. While I was running, his senior officer caught me and asked me why my shirt was not tucked in, shoe laces undone and why I looked like shit. After stammering some absurd answers and hastily setting everything right, I ran again and announced in the barracks that we are gonna get it.
All of us were sitting in the cafeteria with the jawan in the middle firing questions at us.
Jawan: “Kisne call kiya”? (Who called?)
Ankit owned up.
Ankit: “Maine”. (I did.)
Jawan: “Kyon? Jaate waqt kaha thana ki return khud aana padega?” (Why? On the way I told you that you return on your own)
Ankit: “Aap hamen chod kar chale gaye. Kya karna tha patah nahi laga. Isliye call kiya.” (you left us and disappeared. We did not know what to do. So I called)
I guess the Jawan wasn’t used to little tweeps like us telling him off, which for the first time explained his yelling, which is what he resorted to next. By this time he had started talking nonsense which irked me. So I joined in and asked him what exactly was his job and whether he was doing it right. Two high ranked officers who were passing by had heard that.
Looking back at it today, it might not have been the smoothest of moves but it all worked for my best eventually. The two officers invaded the cafeteria and told everyone to assemble outside. One of them was the one who had told me off earlier for looking like a bum. Once everyone was out, the other one yelled “Stand in threes!”.
For a gang of people who at the most grudgingly did mass PT in schools on sunny monday mornings, this was too much to process. Some people thought it was standing in three, length wise and the rest breadth wise. Consequently there was complete chaos. I couldn’t stop laughing. I was thinking about ‘Asterix, the Legionary’‘. I landed up behind Ankit.
By this time I could see steam coming out of the first guy’s (the guy who did not yell at me) ears. He probably couldn’t believe how incompetent the supposed best were! Finally after yelling a little more he managed to get us clowns in order.
Officer 1: “What nonsense is happening here!”
Jawan: “Sir yeh log, hospital se phone karne gaadi ke liye bole. Gaadi first of all return ke liye nahin bhejte hain-” (Sir, these people called and asked for a vehicle. Firstly we dont send vehicle for pick up-)
Officer 1: “Woh hum decide karenge! Tum nahin!” (We’ll decide that! Not you!)
This line was totally out of context. We were thinking that the Jawan was an ass. Turns out his boss outclassed him!
Officer 1: “Kisne phone kiya?”
Jawan: “Number 24 ne sir.”
Officer 1: “Twenty Four! Attention!”
Ankit snaps into attention.
Officer 1: “I have been watching you. Tera baap bada aadmi hoga maga yahan teri poonch mere haath mein hain! Zyada hilaya tho poonch kaatkar gaand mein ghusa doonga! (Your dad might be a big shot but here, your tail is in my grasp. if you wag it too much, I will cut it and stuff it up your a**)
Me: Hahahahaaa… Hohohohohhoo.. Heeheeheeheehee..!
Officer 2: “Hey you! Attention!”
I snapped but couldn’t stop laughing at what had been said before. I restricted it to chuckles and giggles. Officer 2 had a go at me, but it was nothing compared to officer 1′s closing line. After this, we were dismissed and banned from the cafeteria until further notice.
All through this one week at the SSB, I couldn’t shake away the feeling that the military wasn’t for me. I thought that after the initial jitters I would get used to it and be alright. But somehow in the one week little by little I lost respect for the institution. I realised that reason is not something that worded well in the military. I knew that I don’t work well without reason. This whole thing seemed to be a big mistake and that feeling only strengthened as the days progressed. I think it is because of this feeling that I did well too. Anything I did, I had the nothing-to-lose attitude. But once I was selected for the medicals, I was tempted to give the whole thing another chance, until all this happened. After this I had had enough!
I finally got to my uncle who had been enjoying the sight himself. He had come to tell me that there was an ‘Extended Counselling’ session in KREC, Surathkal on September 2nd and that my mother wanted me to see if I might get an admission there.
Hallelujah….!!
It was almost unreal. I mean how often do you get what you want in an instant! I could have hugged and kissed my uncle, my guardian angel! It all looked perfect. I immediately went to an officer (who turned out to be officer 1′s super! heh heh..) and told him that my mother was sick and that I intend to quit. Don’t judge me folks, like you would not try and escape from Alcatraz if you could. Besides what I said… that aint no lie! My mother was actually sick but she was being well taken care off and it wasn’t necessary for me to go anywhere, except Surathkal. So senior officer tells officer 1 to discharge me immediately. After five minutes of paperwork, I was done. All I had to do was clear out the barracks and leave. On the way I called up my friend to book a ticket to Mangalore. He was taken aback when I gave him a gist of what had happened. I went to the barracks, picked up my things and fled. Thus September 1st, 2003, at around 7 in the evening, I was out of SSB.
…Epilogue…
I was quietly riding in a bus to Rajajinagar, to go to my friend’s place. I was to take a bus to Mangalore from there. I was thinking about the week I had at the SSB and about how I left it. I was wondering if it was the right thing for me, starting out at the rain that was pouring down mercilessly.
“Hey, could you move your baggage?”
I looked up. It was a thin fella, about my age, probably from the north-east. My baggage, a military green wrap around holder, was in the adjacent seat. I moved it and he crashed into the seat. He kept looking at that bag I had just moved.
“Thanks man… So, you are in the Army?”, he asked.
“No..”, I said and smiled to myself…
